attachment theory — avoidant style and childhood upbringing

What attachment style are you? What’s your love language? Are you an ESFJ or an INFP?

Questions I’m sure we’ve all heard by now whether through social media or from friends and family, as a means of trying to understand who we are, why we are the way we are, and many more.

I was listening to a podcast from Youtuber’s Osh and Akela who I’ve been supporting since 2016, called “Cue the Commentary.” They’re two best friends from Toronto and they share lifestyle, beauty/fashion, and food content. Their podcast features an “Am I the Asshole” section from Reddit stories, along with viewers' personal stories where they share their thoughts and opinions on people’s messed up situations. 

In their recent episode, they were talking about many different topics: toxic relationships, TikTok fast-consumer culture, attachment styles, & family life..etc. 

It was their attachment style portion that really peaked my interest as I could relate to Osh on her thoughts of being an avoidant style. Sharing similar stories as both our families are first-generation Ethiopian immigrants to the Western world. With that reality, there's not much luxury in being able to have nourishing spaces and open communication. 

Interested in their conversation I delved more into attachment theory and I couldn’t help but wonder how attachment styles are the fundamental root of who we are. And how our childhood upbringings subconsciously mold us, from the way we think and our outlooks on life. 

Understanding Attachment styles:

The Four primary attachment styles today are categorized as Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized. Developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1960s, these four styles refer to the way humans interact and connect to one another from infanthood to adulthood. 

Bowlby mainly studied his theory on infants, how babies connect to their mothers from the proximity they share. But many researchers have found that it continues well into adulthood. 

“All of us, from the cradle to the grave, are happiest when life is organised as a series of excursions, long or short, from the secure base provided by our attachment figures.” - John Bowlby

Anxious attachment style:

In childhood, inconsistent care from caregivers can lead to an anxious attachment style. Where the child learns that the only way to get the attention from family members is through exaggerated distress, temper tantrums, and often feel rejection very easily. Needing a lot of reassurance from others around them. In adulthood, this can carry over into friendships and relationships, where one may feel jealous easily and feel the need to please in order to keep a harmonious balance and or suspend rejection.

People with anxious attachment styles may become fixated on relationships and need constant reassurance from friends and significant others. 

Disorganized attachment style:

Often seen as the most difficult style to manage, disorganized attachment style develops in childhood, where fear, inconsistency, and abuse occur. It combines both anxious and avoidant styles, attachment specialists say. It happens in childhood where the child experiences inconsistent and unpredictable events in their upbringing that creates a fear of their caregiver. 

Children of domestic abuse or substance abuse from caregivers, where in the end they no longer trust their caregivers. The child may not be able to keep up or adapt to their caregivers behavior as they never know what to expect. 

As adults, people with disorganized attachment style may have an extreme want for close and intimate relationships while simultaneously being afraid of them. They want to belong and fit in with others while at the same time be afraid to let people in. They might struggle with self-sabotage behaviors and end relationships quickly when they feel they might be rejected or hurt. 

They might struggle with mental issues–such as aggressive behaviors, substance abuse, and even create abuse in their own relationships.

I feel as though all the insecure attachment styles relate to one another in that they all fear rejection as the main underbelly, they differ in how one internalizes it and responds to it. I'll be talking in depth about avoidant style as that’s what I relate to more in my life. 

How is an avoidant attachment style created? 

Simply put avoidant attachment style pertains characteristic traits of being independent, having difficulty trusting others, and avoiding emotional intimacy.

It occurs in childhood, when caregivers don't show care or attentiveness outside of providing the essentials of food and shelter. This creates a cycle of the child disregarding their own wants and needs in order to maintain peace in their environment and to not be bothersome. Caregivers might be emotionally unavailable and unresponsive to the child's needs as they’re providing all the essentials needed.

A child in this environment may also be dealt with repeated discouragement from crying or expressing emotions publicly. They may be told to “stop crying” and feel great shame in expressing their feelings. Resulting in the need to suppress their feelings away and be overly independent. 

In adulthood, people with avoidant style from the outside may be confident and self-sufficient. They might be very independent, goal-oriented, and never rely on others for their needs or comfort. Not bad you may think.

It’s when you try to connect deeper with someone of this style that difficulties might arise. As people of this style are hyper-independent which can create struggles in building long-lasting relationships. Avoidant people may grow distant when emotions come into play in friendships and relationships, as they have a fear of intimacy. 

People of this style may exhibit the need to cope with difficult situations alone. This disconnection extends to their relationships where the avoidant often feel they are “on their own” and respond to emotional challenges by withdrawing or isolating.

My experience with avoidant attachment style:

With all I’ve said above, I think this is why I consider myself to be an avoidant style. As I read more and more about this style I couldn’t help but see myself in my adolescence slowly creating this identity from all my experiences. My parents did the best they could with all that they had. 

Life of an immigrant isn’t exactly “smooth sailing”; and I can relate to this more now as I myself moved away from home to live in France. In all the struggles there are with visas, language barriers, finding work..etc. I can’t imagine what my parents had to go through on top of having to care for two children.

But, it is because of my upbringing that I struggle with a lot of the traits of an avoidant style.

Being raised in survival mode, everyday was made for going to school or going to work. Our household was the typical household where everyone played their part as the father, mother, and children. My parents worked to provide a roof over our heads and food on the table. Small talk or talking about our thoughts and feelings was rare and at times very uncomfortable.

I think that’s why at my very core, I don’t like talking about my feelings. I don't like expressing my emotions or outwardly showing them to people. I often feel the need to be distant or withdraw when things feel too tense. I don’t like depending on others. I have a hard time trusting people. I tend to have a negative view of others at times in fear of betrayal. 

I never really want to be an “open book" as I often think people will use it against me. I downplay a lot of my emotions, and act like things don’t hurt me; when in fact they do. I don’t like others being codependent or clingy towards me as I get overwhelmed. 

And in my honest belief if there's such a thing as “free will” then you can't really expect anything from anyone. I think at the end of the day people will always do what is good for their personal needs, so you can’t rule anything out from anybody. You can't expect your friends, family to be loyal to you, you can’t expect anyone to be there for your every need. 

People are free to do anything they feel at any time so expecting anything from anyone is just waiting to be disappointed. In reality, I’ve been burned more by family and people closest to me than strangers on the street. 

In my household, we never really expressed our emotions. Unless it was something absolutely catastrophic. If not, outwardly talking about your feelings or something bothering you was met with responses of “that’s life, get over it, things will get better.” In relation to my sister I think I exhibited a lot of this attitude when she’d share her thoughts or situations with me, as that was the only thing I knew to do.

Growing up I gained and lost a lot of friendships. I even had a “6 month time-frame” ideology that I created around 11 years old. It essentially was a “game” to see how long my friendships would last. More often than not after 6-8 months, a friendship would end after a disagreement, argument…etc 

It continued well into my adulthood I feel too. If a friend stopped talking to me for whatever reason I never made it a point to reach out or ask what went wrong to fix it. It would simply just affirm my belief of not being able to rely on people, we all have free will so they can do as they feel.

I’d be very uncomfortable with comforting friends going through struggles. I’d wish them the best and be there to distract them from it, in fun hangouts. Or just catch up when they're doing better. In brief relationships I’d never open myself up emotionally. I’d be a listening ear for everyone, a solid rock, but the idea of doing that back was rare to me. 

In reality, there’s a lot of shame in being vulnerable. I feel like I’m bothering people if I ask for help, or if I need someone to talk to. I think about how I’m taking up their time. 

I think around 20 years old is when I was briefly introduced to attachment styles that I became more cautious about my relationships and how I participate in them. I’ve been working more on being there for my loved ones and being emotionally available for their needs. As well as allowing people to be there for me too. 

It isn’t besides the handful I trust, that I can be open emotionally. I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing. I try to identify what kind of styles the people in my life may have and try to be there in accordance with what they need. 

I think you can always work to improve yourself. Just because you’re an attachment style doesn’t mean you can throw your hands in the air and accept all that it is. Unless of course you’re a secure style then…lucky you. 

I can’t help but wonder what that must be like. Where effective communication comes naturally and you don't have a never-ending fear that rests inside of you. That must be nice.

Yin and Yang of the style :

At times I do feel like my avoidant style really protects me in life. With fake-friendships or knowing when to leave when a relationship has gone sore. I think for anxious style people calling it quits is often the hard part. Whether it's bad friends in their life or a toxic relationship, with the need to please and wanting to be reassured I can imagine it really is difficult for them.

In February and April I had similar situations with two people I’m no longer friends with. One was in February where after miscommunication at an event she stopped talking to me. And it wasn’t until after that, it registered to me all the snide remarks and comparisons to my life; that I realized she wasn't really a friend to me.

Another one in April, where after making plans to hang out one day; she too stopped talking to me. Never responded to my text, ignored me in class unless she saw another mutual friend talk to me. Just very weird energy. I tried to make sense of it at first but some things are better left unsaid.

Being the avoidant I am, I never reached back out to them. They weren’t the closest of friends to me at that point. If that happened to a really close friend of mine, I’d reach out to communicate and fix any problems there might be. But with them the energy often felt weird. Maybe you’ve felt this in your life before, if so maybe you can understand what I mean. I often felt like I was their “token Black friend.” A sponge to absorb all their thoughts and concerns.

I’d listen to their issues and be of help but when I’d need a place to vent, my time was always cut short. So, with that I let bygones be bygones and it never ponders in my mind. It’s almost as if once someone shows me their true colors and I cut ties with them, they simply become a thing of the past. A past reality I no longer think about, erased from my memory. 

I imagine for an anxious style they’d hold on tight to try to make things work even though it’s clearly not worth it.

Healing the styles:

This is why I believe there’s strength and weaknesses to all the styles. For anxious, avoidant, and disorganized, I feel as though their behaviors make sense in context. With “safety enables learning” - Anne Power. I learned that while in the process of searching about the styles in her amazing TedTalk, I’ll list below. 

But she states that “secure bonds create environments of safety and a platform for growth.” If we all learned about our attachment styles I believe it’d make it a lot easier to connect with others. 

If you identify with any of the insecure styles, it's best to work and heal those old wounds. Those feelings of rejection and thoughts of betrayal. Coming to terms with your style and patterns makes it more accessible to take accountability and improve your ways of communication. If we all stopped blaming one another we can learn from each other as to why we are the way we are. It’s no one's responsibility but our own to fix the things we don’t like in our life.

When we feel safe in our environments and connections it makes it easier to take things slow and look within. Establish safe relationships and environments for yourself. Spaces that give you the room to grow and improve. Be mindful of what triggers you. If you don’t have the best environment for that, be that space for yourself. Be your own safe nectar of understanding and attentiveness. Learn about yourself, and give yourself and others grace.

I’ve accepted that my parents are living life for the first time. Just as everything is new for me, it’s new to them as well. I think as kids we often see our parents in the lens of “mom” and “dad.” In that they’re these people that provide for our needs. At 23 years old, I’m seeing them for the humans they are outside of being my parents. The difficulties they endured. The stories they tell. The upbringings they’ve had, as to why they are the way they are.

I don’t put any blame on them for the avoidant style I may be as everything happened the way it was supposed to. I’ve been making more changes to have more trust in myself and in others. I create space for open communications in my relationships. Nothing is ever as it seems. And it’s never too late to change and better yourself regardless of the cards you're dealt with.

If you’re interested in learning about the styles yourself, here is Anne Power’s insightful TedTalk: