thoughts - over life, stop trying too hard, seasonal depression, almost 1 year in Paris

november 2, 2024

This isn't exactly the writing I had in mind of releasing these past two weeks. I have this topic I've been obsessed with about the paradox of choice. But as you can see from the title above I can’t seem to put my thoughts into words at the moment.

It’s that time of the year again, the days are shorter, the weather is colder, and there’s no sun to be seen. Especially living in Paris currently. It’s gloomy or rainy almost every other day. I was not expecting that having never lived here during Fall before. Naively I had the picturesque Fall image of Boston in mind. Where the trees are orange, the sun is out and there’s that fresh Fall wind feeling. Needless to say, that's not the reality here. 

Seasonal depression. I’m not exactly sure if it’s seasonal for me right now. I’ve slowly felt this never-ending sadness since July and I can’t seem to shake it off. It hit me all at once this month and it finally reached its breaking point this weekend. My thoughts are running 100 miles per minute and the desolation has kicked in. Where I’ll find myself randomly crying in my room for no absolute reason at all.

High functioning depression I think it is. When my weeks are filled with tasks, work, school I forget all about the unsettling feeling. It’s when there’s silence in my days that it screams my name. On the weekends, days off, and even more in France with the holidays they have often.

“Férié” they’re called. It’s national holidays off essentially and as an American it’s astonishing how many there are. Almost every 8 weeks they have a break from school and as a babysitter, it affects my income a lot. 

It’s not exactly the line of work I ever saw myself partaking in. In Boston, in my teens to early 20s I always worked in the Retail/Customer service field. I like talking to people and helping them find whatever it is they were looking for, whether it was watches, jewelry, or my favorite art.

Yet, it’s the only thing I can find right now with my lack of French fluency so beggars can’t be choosers I guess you could say. You would think in a city like Paris, you can find English-speaking jobs one way or another. France is not as versed as Germany or the Scandinavian countries in this aspect.

Then there’s the dilemma with my visa that keeps me up all night. If you’re a foreigner not from the EU regions, it’s nearly impossible to live without it. The government says to renew it at least 2-3 months before your visa’s expiration date if you’re looking to stay longer. Which is exactly what I did.

In April I renewed mine as it expired in June. Nearly seven months later I’m still waiting for it. There was a slight glimpse of hope after the constant emails I sent them. When they finally responded back saying they’ll send me a text message to pick up my titre sejour from the prefecture when it’s ready. That was in September. Two months later I’m still waiting for it. 

I think it’s this restraint that’s put me in a huge huge funk. Not being able to work a job I’d actually like, travel if I wanted to, or even find an apartment. It’s the same stories I’ve heard from all my classmates that are foreigners. A shared collective trauma from the French bureaucracy.

That’s kind of what made me over life right now. With all the effort I put into everything, it feels like it doesn’t make any of a difference. So what’s it all for? This past year has been the brokest era of my life with the constant lack of steady income. Burned through my savings to keep afloat, working with family after family as a babysitter with unreliable hours. Not even being able to save 50 euros for a rainy day. It all is so energy taxing. 

I’m totally burnt out. Even with the lack of things I’m not able to do due to my lack of visa. Just the waiting period to receive it is draining on its own. Everyday feels like it’s just passing me by. And I’m waiting for my life to make sense as I urgently keep trying to make things happen.

With my avoidant tendency as I mentioned in my previous piece “attachment style theory”, I personally can’t confide my despair with others. I can’t complain to my friends day after day about the same things. I’m not going to talk about my feelings and burden them. I know at heart they’ll be there for me but like most things in my life, I have to do it alone. Always has been.

Making friends here is hard as well. I think the French aren’t very open to foreigners. It’s very hard to try to join a friend group or find your community. With language barriers, differences in cultures, and humor, it makes for a lot of uncomfortable positions to be in. There’s this thing here called “second degree” humor. It's basically when someone says the opposite of what they’re actually meaning. And as a foreigner it’s not surprising to take offense to what’s being said, as it comes across as mean but it’s supposed to be a “joke.”

To compare it’s similar to sarcasm but not exactly. I don’t think this style of humor is very common in US culture, oftentimes it’d just be perceived as mean if you do that to someone you don’t know closely. It’s these little differences that all add up to the bigger picture as to why life is not exactly as I thought it’d be here right now. Realites no one tells you about.

Trying to make friends and giving my all, just to feel like it wouldn’t make a difference if I wasn’t there or that it doesn’t matter anyway. There’s people I’ve known for the past 2 years from social gatherings, parties and we still don’t know anything about each other, at all. 

It’s opened my eyes recently to stop overexerting myself. To stop caring so much. Seriously. I’m so over feeling this way. I need to stop trying to force things to be and stop shrinking myself for the comfort of others. I need to go back to my natural being and focus on what I do have control over. 

Focus back on the friends I do have and cultivate those while I open myself up to aligning with people of similar energy. Where the vibe feels right, not forced, or competitive. Focus more on the hobbies I like that I haven’t been partaking in such as going to museums, cinemas, writing in cafes and parks, making music. Even if it means I’m doing it alone. I need to get myself out of this rut, with guidance from the Most High, the Universe, whatever you may personally call it, I know I’ll be okay soon.

We might not have control over anything in our lives but we do have control over the way we respond to things. Our thoughtforms, the things we stress about. Even being in the rut right now I know it’s not going to be like this forever. My French will advance soon, I’ll finish school, have my dream job, dream apartment, synchronized close intimate friendships, and relationships. My life will not be in this constant state of uncertainty as it is right now.

In a year from now my life has to be elevated one way or another. Being a foreigner I can't afford to be depressed simply put. I can’t afford to miss class or not work as I did when I was depressed in my teens. This is not my country to give up or fail in, I’m not in my parent’s shelter where I know I’m safe no matter the external factors. 

Slowly but surely I’m going to create my dreams into reality. Brick by brick.

If you’re going through something similar like myself whether it’s visa concerns or seasonal depression, just know you are not alone. The mere fact you’re aware of whatever is upsetting you is impressive on its own. We’re all doing our best and in the state of the world right now (economically speaking) life is not as easy as it was to live comfortably. Try to take care of your mental health anyway you can. For me right now I’m really just going back into myself, hermit mode activated. I just wanna be home, watch movies, and be cozy. Writing, reading. 

Try to implement an exercise routine, cardio, yoga, pilates. All are good to get your body moving and release natural dopamine levels to your brain. Seek guidance from a therapist if you need someone to talk to. Set realistic goals to improve the things you don’t like in your life and don’t take on too much. Talk with your friends and hang out with people that make you feel like you. Incorporate meditations to ease your mind and worries. Expect your mood to get better slowly, not right away, it’s all a work in progress. 

These are all tips I’m trying to embrace in my day to day. Having not felt depression since my teens, I’m trying to pinpoint how it slowly crept back in my life. I know it’s not going to be a walk in the park, I’m not going to magically wake up tomorrow and be completely healed. You shouldn’t expect that from yourself either, give yourself grace, you’re doing your best. If you have a good support group, lean in on your friends and family. And you’ll see day by day your mood will get lighter and you’ll fall back into yourself slowly but surely. The journey is the destination.